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How to Stop Farting

When it comes to problems with flatulence and gases, swollen stomach and farting modern science has made great progress finding remedies for those afflicted. Listed below are some of the latest methods for once and for all put an end to flatulence, farting and the discomfort it involves. Should any of these methods seem interesting to you then do not hesitate to contact your physician and he or she will be very happy to assist you.

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A new radical method which effectively puts a stopper on flatus (intestinal gases) and problems with a swollen stomach is to surgically attach this kind of special vent, made of hypoallergenic silicone. On the inside the vent is attached to the appendix – which almost seem to be put there solely for this purpose – and on the outside the vent is fastened with a titanium based surgical glue.

When the need arises the intestinal gas pressure can easily be lowered by opening the vent. The method is similar to the process of venting a radiator and it’s important that the vent is located higher than the stomach when opening it. So, to avoid that other stuff than gas leak out it is recommended to assume the bridge pose when the vent is opened.

The vent can easily be tucked in so that it does not get caught in clothes or else comes in the way of normal living.

Another new method to help keep gases in check is this special intestinal gas drainage hose. The three metres long hose which is made of semi-rigid organic plastic is gradually swallowed bit by bit, a process which usually doesn’t take more than one hour to accomplish. It will then take a day or so for the hose to travel, moved by intestinal villi, through the bowels to its correct working position.

When in position the system works by allowing the intestinal gases to seep through the draining holes and thus allowing the gas free passage through the hose out of the body. This effectively empties otherwise blocked gas pockets and thus prevents the stomach from swelling up, taking the wind out of the inconveniences such a condition usually brings. The user will thus never again need to fart since the body is constantly and continuously emptied of gases.

If on some occasion it’s for some reason not desirable to release gas then the hose can easily be pushed in. After some muscular training based on specially adapted strain exercises the hose can be moved in and out without the need of manual power.

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A rare side effect of this gas drainage system is that a negative pressure can build up in the hose, which might lead to the so called “suction butt” syndrome. But that is very unusual.

There is no such thing as risk free surgery, so, before going through such lengths it should be tested if medicines can solve the issue. A new product against flatulence, uncontrolled farting and swollen stomach is Infart. The medicine has been used on animals – particularly cattle and pigs – for years in order to decrease carbon dioxide emissions, and has now finally been adapted for human use.

Infart works by compressing the intestinal gases into small ceramic pebbles, so called flatus nodules, more commonly known as fart balls.

These fart balls work as a excellent replacement for a fibre rich diet since they give volume to bowel motions in a manner similar to the workings of fibres. The balls also have a peeling effect on the intestinal walls which work preventive against hemorrhoids, polypi and some forms of intestinal cancer.

Scientists have also noticed in animal studies that the nodules have a checking effect on intestinal parasites; roundworms and such seem to find it pleasant to crawl into the cavities of the balls and thus follow them out of the host animal.

When Infart is used industrially on cattle the ceramic fart balls are collected and undergoes a refining process. The final product is then marketed as LECA pellets. LECA pellets serve both as a soil improvement and as a filler in various cement compounds.

You can also contribute to an improvement of the Earth’s climate by eating Infart and thus not only reducing your body’s carbon dioxide emission but also make your faeces more environmental friendly and suitable for composting.

Before you consider medical treatment you should try to figure out why these gases appear. The most common reason is that your body is incapable to fully digest something in your diet. It’s usually some kind of vegetable or root; potatoes, onion, beans etc. The reason can also be that milk sugar, lactose, or wheat protein, gluten, upset your stomach. So, before attempting any of the methods above you should try to exclude some products from your diet and see if the problems remain. These kind of problems are quite often temporary; if you for instance can’t eat onion today you might be able to do that in the future, if you give your stomach a break from such food for a while, giving it a chance to recover.

And yes, an old trick to remove the smell of farts is to light a match.

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